my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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