You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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