TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
