Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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