she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
