i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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