True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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