i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
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