I should be sponsored by Trojan
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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