The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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