Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
