Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
