a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
