My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
