i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
organizing the empties. That sober.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
