Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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