NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
