You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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