this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I AM VODKA MAN
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
