dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
