you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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