There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
