see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
