Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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