Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Randomize
