I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
