Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
