Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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