sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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