Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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