Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
