Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
