the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dicks are not precious.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
