went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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