It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Be still, my beating vagina.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
