her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
