If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
