my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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