is your mom at the bar?
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
