There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
