Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
if only i could text you this smell
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
