We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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