So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
