I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
