His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
