Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
