I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
you will always have a special place in my vag
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
