I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
