you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
