Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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