So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
