Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
